I Can’t Wait for Baby #2 So I Can Start Sleeping Again

December 24, 2016 0

I Can’t Wait for Baby #2 So I Can Start Sleeping Again As the holidays descend upon us, Kristen and I are also in the final stages of our (okay, her) 2nd pregnancy. I’m obviously happy to be pregnant again, especially after our first pregnancy was preceded by a soul crushing struggle with infertility (NO, SPELLCHECK, I DID NOT MEAN […]

20 Questions with a Woman in Labor (and Her Turd of a Husband)

September 13, 2016 0

20 Questions with a Woman in Labor (and Her Turd of a Husband) When your best friend tells you that he and his wife are pregnant, you are happy for them and commit to being supportive. But when your best friend Eric is the perpetual butt of all your jokes (lovingly), you begin scheming how you can get into the […]

Go Time! – Live Blogging the Birth of Baby Oliver

April 15, 2015 22

Note: This is a running blog that is/was updated throughout my wife’s labor. Kristen was originally hesitant to let me post repeated updates during her labor, but she ended up liking the commentary and support from loved ones. Doghouse avoided.  Enjoy! April 15, 2015 8:02 am – The cat wakes us up.  We curse the cat.  Kristen finds her unmentionables […]

This is MY Human Vessel!

April 14, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 283] I am Baby Hemmings, and I do what I please. I will not exit this human vessel until I am good and ready . . . and I am NOT ready. You say I was “due” last week?  HA!  I scoff at your measly deadlines and projections.  Rules don’t apply to me.  Nobody puts Baby in a […]

Pregnancy Day 279 – DUE DATE

April 10, 2015 2

[Pregnancy Day 279] We are at T minus zero days until Kristen’s due date.  While the doctors say she isn’t technically considered “late” until after a week passed her due date, I personally think that Baby Hemmings is getting off on the wrong foot.  Already the habitually late procrastinator like his dad.  Do as I say, Baby Hemmings, not as […]

Casa de Baby Hemmings

April 7, 2015 1

[Pregnancy Day 276] I am happy to announce that Casa de Baby Hemmings is finally complete! After much blood, sweat, and (manly) tears, the nursery is complete, and Kristen asked that I post a few pictures to humblebrag about the progress. First, an overview: Since we don’t know whether Baby Hemmings is “with penis” or “sans penis” (sometimes I use medical […]

Let’s Stir Things Up!

April 2, 2015 2

[Pregnancy Day 271] We had our 39 week appointment this morning at 7 am. (There’s a 7 am now!  Who knew!) Our doctor told us that Kristen is 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and the baby is minus 2 station.  I guess those are all good and normal things, and they basically mean that A.) Kristen is progressing nicely and B.) The […]

Cake Toppers

April 1, 2015 1

[Pregnancy Day 270] In case anybody was planning on making Baby Hemmings a “Welcome to the World” cake, I found some zombie baby and decapitated granny cake toppers that you can use. You’re welcome. No, seriously, ignore the totally random possessive apostrophe, and look at those crazed zombie baby eyes.  Enjoy your nightmares.

NogginStiks and Butt Paste

March 30, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 268] As I’m unpacking our gifts from our baby showers I’m realizing that precious few of the various accoutrements that are considered important nowadays are actually easy to understand.  You can have all the common sense in the world, but when you look at a bottle with a tiny hole in the bottom, there is no part of […]

Polyurethane Hands

March 27, 2015 1

[Pregnancy Day 265] The other day my hands were covered in polyurethane, and I heard my phone jingle with a text message.  I leaned over to see that Kristen had texted me “Call me ASAP!” One doesn’t realize how long it takes to get polyurethane off of your hands until you’re locked in a heated race to return your pregnant […]

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