A Stay-At-Home Dad’s First Day Alone

[Baby Watch: Day 68]

Dear Diary,

Today Baby Oliver and I experienced our first day alone.

Mother the Provider returned to her position of honor amongst the working folk, and we were left to our own devices in this cold shell of a shelter that was formerly our loving home.  We started the day with optimism that perhaps, if fortune favored us, we would survive the unspeakable perils of life alone.

The day began like most, with confusion and tears, and devolved quickly from there.  The diapers were rapidly soiled, and the new ones were fastened so hastily that they leaked like a sieve when they too were filled with excreta.

Whereas we had become accustomed to nap cycles ranging from 1 to 1.5 hours, today we had a pair of brief twenty minute respites sandwiched around one mammoth 4 hour coma-like slumber that frightened all parties involved.  Pulses were checked.  All survived.

As the hours stretched on, Baby Oliver was elected as leader, and his first order of business was to decree that all things must be covered in sour milk.  It was then made so.  We weak-willed men were forced to scavenge for food like some low savages, unskilled in the cooking ways of Mother the Provider.  The scraps we managed to collect did provide enough nourishment to sustain us, though just.

Finally, near the end of the day, we found ourselves in the wilds with little, if anything, to protect us.  We fashioned makeshift hats from spare shirts in a futile attempt to ward off the deadly sun from our pale heads, and we managed to make a small fire with kindling found amongst some dry brush.  Baby Oliver declared war on the boy known as “Piggy,” for his glasses proved valuable in maintaining the fire.  I am sorry to report that “Piggy” did not survive.

The entire ordeal was thoroughly traumatic, and we hope to never have to complete such a trial again, though . . . we fear we might.  We now attempt to rest awhile, our spirits renewed with hope that perhaps, if we’re lucky, Mother the Provider might soon be fired and will stay home to care for her boys.

Here is a photograph captured near the end of today’s ghastly ordeal:

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3 Comments on A Stay-At-Home Dad’s First Day Alone

  1. You are too funny. I hope you turn your blog into a book someday… Or a stand-up comedy routine. As a new mom myself, I look forward to your entertaining posts for some legit “LOL” moments. Keep up the good work. Baby Oliver is going to have quite the sense of humor.

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