Top 10 Comments from My Wife’s Baby Care Instructions

[Baby Watch: Day 61]

I have the reputation within my wife’s family as being an anal-retentive over-planner.  This characterization is not undeserved. I pack three times more than I need to for vacations (on one trip my “thank-God-she’s-pretty” wife forgot to pack socks, but, pathetically yet conveniently, I had packed enough for both her and I for the entirety of the trip), I had typed a several page “to do” list to prepare for the baby’s arrival which I updated and emailed to my wife twice a week, and I keep a hand-written calendar with literally hundreds of potential outings to take our son on, should the opportunity and desire arise, even though many of them are things I have no intention of attending.

There is also an ongoing joke about my tendency to sometimes ramble on with my thoughts.  This arose from the time that I sat with my mother-in-law and obliviously and tediously prattled off a list of meats that I could do without.  Pork . . . lamb . . . cod . . . veal . . . it went for several minutes before I was mercifully asked to stop (the mercy was for my in-laws, I was sad I didn’t get to finish).  Because I’m sure you’re curious, this list was part of a larger conversation about how I wanted to adopt a pet pig and how I’d then have to stop eating bacon.  The pig conversation was its own separate ramble.

So, with the context that I am comically, mind-numbingly meticulous with my execution of things (and even more so now that we are with child), it would stand to reason that I, not my wife, would be the one to write up a list of overnight instructions for our son as we prepare to leave him for our first baby-free night away.  But oh no.  I am delighted to report that yesterday I found not one, not two, not three, but four pages of painstakingly crafted notes on how to best care for our precious child while we are away (for a mere 1 night).  These instructions were written for my in-laws, who will be watching their grandson, even though they have collectively raised 4 children and even though they spent an entire week caring for their a different grandchild as recently as a week and a half ago.

Gone are the days that I will stand for derision about my meats list!  I now proudly help to usher in a new era: one in which my wife is the crazy person, not me!  Huzzah!  A great day indeed.

Here are my top 10 personal favorites from her 4 page list (it was very difficult to narrow it to just 10):

Number 10:
10 - make sure he cant suffocate
Seems like it goes without saying, but I guess better safe than sorry.  You may also want to remind her to not let him juggle syringes.

Number 9:
9 - change diaper unless he poops
If he poops I make him just sit in his own filth to think about what he’s done.

Number 8:
8 - His hands are his worst enemy
Wait till he figures out he has a penis.

Number 7:
7 - put hand in front of eyes
Gotta kill that curiosity before he gets too old.

Number 6:
6 - wakes up to eat every hour or two not sure why
I have a guess.  Is it because he’s hungry?

Number 5:
5 - permission to wash dishes
Very kind of you to allow your mother to do our dishes.  “Also, you can take our garbage out.  You can thank me later.”

Number 4 (this is why we are not to pour out unconsumed portions of my wife’s breastmilk):
4 - why does she want to save breastmilk
There’s gold in them there hills!

Number 3:
3 - play is hard
It sure is.  My creeky back is the worst.  Oh wait, you meant our son.

Number 2:
2 - if he wont stop crying
Have no concern that he may be in dire straights.  Just feel good that he’ll soon pass out from his misery.

And my # 1 favorite crazy overnight “instruction:”
1 - if he smells like urine

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