My Son’s Guidebook to Eating

[Baby Watch: Day 40]

Various people, my wife included, have characterized our son as a “good eater.”  Personally, I think they’re playing fast and loose with the word “good.”  Calling him a good eater is like calling me a good marathon runner.  Sure, given enough time, I could walk / jog / saunter / amble / meander my way to 26.2 miles, but that doesn’t exactly qualify me for the Boston Marathon.  And, given a very general allotment of time, our kiddo will eat a decent amount.  But he’s by no means brisk about it.  I’m hoping this will save me from having to yell at him for eating too fast in his adolescent years, though I doubt it.

For now, My Son’s Guidebook to Eating consists of the following typical routine:

  1. Wake from my nap and instantaneously scream for no definitive reason.
  2. Wake the dead with said scream.  Increase volume and franticness of my scream exponentially for each second that passes without my food being provided.
  3. Respond to attempted pacification by my human wardens with thrashing and hyperventilating. (Do my best to turn a purplish color that I like to call “Violent Violet.”)
  4. Insert my hands into my mouth in a desperate move to suckle milk from my fingers.
  5. After 2 excruciating minutes, realize that the human wardens are trying to supply a bottle.  React with defiance by shoving my entire fist into my mouth.  Attempt to swallow fist.
  6. Eventually, grudgingly accept the counterfeit nipple into my mouth, but only because I want to and not at all because I’m being prodded or because I’m hungry.
  7. Suckle for 5 seconds.  Stop for 10.  Suckle for 5.  Stop for 10.  Repeat as necessary.
  8. After approximately five minutes, stop altogether to gaze at the ceiling.  Pretend to be more enthralled by the ceiling fan than anything I’ve ever seen.  Keep eyes locked on fan until physically pried away.
  9. Suckle for 1 full minute, or until you hear the words, “Okay, now he’s eating well.”  Once you hit the 1 minute mark or hear those words, instantly stop and commence an entirely new screaming routine.
  10. Crap yourself.
  11. While being changed, expel all fluids from your body, via any and all possible orifices.
  12. Once feeding begins again, make every facial expression possible to convey the message that you’re gassy.  Do this until your human wardens put you against their shoulder, at which point you should belch directly into their ear.  If possible, try to get the smell towards their nose, or, in rare instances when they’re looking at you, belch directly into their mouth.
  13. Begin feeding again, making sure to keep a large reserve of milk in both of your cheeks.  You will use this is step 15.
  14. Crap yourself again.  At this point, you may need to “act cute” in order to regain the trust and love of your human wardens.  This is very important, as you will need them to continue caring for you until the point that you can feed yourself and poison your human wardens in their sleep.
  15. Wait until the male human warden who calls himself “daddy” takes control of you.  When he does, immediately spit the contents of your cheeks onto his shirt.  Keep your laughter internal, as you do not want “daddy” to think you’re doing this on purpose.

From here you will need to improvise.  If human warden “daddy” is acceptably irate, then you may continue feeding.  If he is not, do your best to expel any remaining fluids upon him.  If you have exhausted your fluid reserves (a rookie move), then you can resume thrashing and hyperventilating until you have achieved proper mental dominance.

Continue alternating between feeding and acting out until you are sufficiently full.  As you finish, you will likely get tired.  Make sure to fight through the urge to sleep, as you have one final step, which is possibly the most important.  You must bide your time and patiently wait until your human warden puts you down, falsely believing you to be fast asleep.  At this precise moment (and before the human warden escapes audible listening range) you must crap once more.  Vigorously.

If you have followed these many important steps, then you are likely fully filled in both your belly and your spirit.  You may now rest, for this process will need to begin again in approximately 10 minutes.

Good luck!

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