[Pregnancy Day 208]
The Breastaurant: A minute-by-minute recap of one man’s experience in a breastfeeding class.
Last night the wife and I attended a breastfeeding class for new parents. Obviously, this was not by my choice. I decided to take notes to document what promised to be one of the more awkward nights of my life. Here’s how things went down:
6:30 pm – Teacher begins class with rousing Earth, Wind & Fire musical backdrop, drowning out half of her introduction.
6:31 pm – Teacher spends first 5 minutes discussing why the locks of her hair are sacred, which sandwiches in the gift shop are the tastiest (veggie), and what she had for dinner (onions).
6:40 pm – “This is not an exhaustive course,” she tells us. No, just an exhausting course. Right? Am I right or what? My wife chooses to ignore me.
6:43 pm – Teacher encourages us to Google “lactation questions” if we are unsure of something. I foresee this getting me into trouble.
6:51 pm – “Doula” originates from a Greek word meaning “mother’s slave.” Should I add doula to my resume now, or wait till the baby actually gets here?
6:57 pm – The hospital rents breast pumps. You know, in case you’re bored.
7:00 pm – We undress our dummy babies. Oh I forgot to mention, we have dummy babies. Ours has an outtie belly button.
7:01 pm – We discuss “skin-to-skin contact,” a term that sounds like bare-knuckle boxing.
7:03 pm – Teacher tells us that during that first skin-to-skin contact your baby may pee on you, but it’s okay because it’s “pure pee.” My wife looks exactly as horrified as you’d expect.
7:05 pm – Our first boob!
7:09 pm – Teacher demonstrates a “good latch” by sucking on her finger erotically. An uncomfortable murmur circulates through the auditorium.
7:10 pm – First break. The wife gets hummus from the snack bar, clearly pressured by the healthy foods conversation. I get a chocolate / peanut butter candy bar cause YOLO.
7:21 pm – Looooong discussion about inverted nipples, peppered with an anecdote about snowboarding.
7:23 pm – Snowboarding conversation continues. Clearly getting our money’s worth.
7:27 pm – During video demonstrating a “bad latch” the teacher yells, “Oh, there it is!”
7:30 pm – Moms practice the breastfeeding “football hold.” Boobs and football, eat your heart out 14-year-old boys.
7:42 pm – Video tells us that on day 1, a baby’s belly is only big enough to fit a “shooter marble.” Great contemporary reference, what with shooter marbles being all the rage nowadays.
7:43 pm – On screen baby just farted.
7:48 pm – Discussion of color & consistency of baby poop, complete with pictures. Somehow, my wife continues eating her hummus.
7:55 pm – “After your baby’s done with your first breast, offer your other breast.” Teacher then grabs her own breasts and acts as if they’re speaking to us. “I’m your dinner breast. Oh hello, I’m your dessert breast. Want some of me?” Things are unraveling.
8:07 pm – Conversation about Barleywine beer. Teacher: “You’ll get tore up!”
8:10 pm – Second break. The wife expresses irritation towards me. “I thought you were taking notes, then I realized you were just writing jokes for your blog.”
8:21 pm – Teacher says she is part of a Facebook group called Badass Breastfeeders and that she wants to start a group called Big Breasted Baby Feeders Club.
8:22 pm – The term “nipple confusion” is thrown out there. Note to self: If you ever start a hair metal band, Nipple Confusion has to be in the mix for the band’s name.
8:33 pm – Video says a husband’s main job while a woman breastfeeds is to support her. They depict this with a montage of husbands bringing their wives glasses of water. That’s right: an entire montage of different husbands bringing their respective wives water. Maybe this isn’t going to be as hard as I thought.
8:35 pm – My biggest takeaway from the many videos is that breastfeeding women are always happy.
8:37 pm – I learn a potential MLB no-hitter is in the works. I miss several minutes of class as I continuously refresh my phone.
8:46 pm – Drawn back into conversation when hearing the sentence, “Breast infection can lead to very hot breasts.” The wife sees me giggle and cuts me off before I can comment.
8:52 pm – Cabbage helps engorgement. Fully into the weird stuff now.
9:00 pm – Class ends, but not before I snap this awesome picture of the wife suffocating our dummy baby. Hopefully, this is not a sign of things to come.
One of the more awkward nights indeed.