[Pregnancy Day 205]
If today’s Baby Watch was a Friends episode, it would be titled The One Where Kristen Pees Her Pants.
But we’ll get to that in a minute, as first I need to set the scene for her (and my) state of being for the last 10 days. Needless to say, when a story starts with a sentence like that, one can surmise that things ain’t great.
What began as a sore throat for me (though it hurt like all get out, it was confirmed to not be strep throat, as a stubborn husband finally abided his wife’s wishes to visit MedExpress to check it out), gave way to a general cold for both of us. But it didn’t behave like a normal cold, and it was compounded by other ridiculous ailments.
Let’s see, last Friday Kristen got a sore throat. Considering I’d had one – no big surprise. Then, on Saturday I threw my back out by completing the intensely rigorous task of stooping ever so slightly. Strained back and all, on Sunday I had an attack of diarrhea, which led to a bathroom crime scene. Monday began Kristen’s hacking cough and the discovery that she LOVES being called Gene Hackman while in the throws of painful convulsions. “Why don’t you cough some more, Gene Hackman!” (Dodges thrown object.)
Tuesday I got an intense earache, which was diagnosed on Wednesday as an ear infection. Actually, the doctor poked her little ear flashlight into my ear and gasped like a barber who just accidentally shaved a bald spot into an oblivious client. “What is it?!?” I asked. “Umm, just a really really bad ear infection,” she cooly stated as she recoiled into the corner with all the composure of person trying not to panic as they inform you that a tarantula is situated on the crown of your head.
On Wednesday night we went to sleep, content that the worst of our illnesses were behind us. Of course, we then woke Thursday morning to find Kristen’s eye balls exploding slightly from her face, and we could happily check off ‘double pink eye’ from our scavenger hunt of misery. Sure, the facts say that pink eye is much more common in children or people who general rub poop around their eyes, and sure Kristen is not a child, but that doesn’t mean she got it from poor post-poop hand washing! No, of course not. She obviously got it from public transportation, as she claims. And don’t you say differently!
All told, Kristen missed three days of work in one week, which is two more than she has ever missed in a single week in her entire life. She has definitely had things 100 times worse than me, because the list of medicines she can take while pregnant is pretty much on par with medical care that she could’ve received in the 1700s. While our previous illnesses have somewhat abated, we now fear that one or both of us may be coming down with the flu, as we’ve both been exhausted and miserably achy for the last 24 hours. We’ve generally tried to pretend that everything is hunky dory as we curl up under blankets and watch the 65th rerun of Friends in a row, but at some point Baby Hemmings apparently decided that he/she has had enough. Perhaps it was the overload of green tea or maybe it was the incessant jostling while Kristen barks her lungs out through her throat. Regardless, at some point Baby Hemmings decided to get even and adjusted his/her legs into position directly on top of Kristen’s bladder.
Anyhow, that takes us back to our own personal Friends episode: The One Where Kristen Pees Her Pants. As it turns out, a baby standing on your bladder coupled with a lack of strength to get up and use the bathroom in regular intervals makes for a dangerous situation. Add in a hefty cough that attacks unexpectedly, and you have the perfect storm for pants peeing!
“Cough, cough, cough. Awww, I peed my pants again.”
And that’s precisely the situation that occurred, umm, last Sunday, this passed Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, and oh yeah, today too! I’m not sure if Kristen is working on a slow learning curve as she refuses to be proactive with her bathroom use, or if things really happen that unexpectedly, or if she’s just trying to prepare me for the onslaught of human soiled garments that we’ll soon be experiencing. Regardless, the ratio of pee that has made it to the toilet compared to the amount of pee being produced in this house is woefully inadequate.
But none of that matters, cause we’re having a baby! And it’s magical and delightful just like you see in all those professional maternity photos! That’s right; nothing but magic and majesty in the Hemmings household. Sigh.
(Incidentally, I asked Kristen if I could post the story of her soiled undergarments, FULLY expecting to be shot down. But, against all odds, I got the okay. “Go ahead and post it. It’s part of the pregnancy, so I’m not embarrassed,” she said, clearly embarrassed. And THAT is why I love my wife.)