[Pregnancy Day 193]
Look, I’m a naive, idiot, and a soon to be parent, and those are two things that don’t mesh very well. I don’t understand how things work, okay? When making a list of baby accoutrements we’d need to register for, Kristen told me to make sure I included a “baby booger sucking thingy.” Because I’m not a psychopath, I obviously had no idea what she was talking about. She said it was, “a plastic thing that you use to suck boogers out of a baby’s nose.” And she said it so matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, it’s just a plastic thing, and you use it to suck boogers from a baby’s nose.”
So, maybe something different pops into your head when hearing this thoroughly elaborate explanation, but for me, the first thing that popped into my head was a simple, ordinary drinking straw. It satisfies both parts of her explanation: 1. Made of plastic, 2. Can be used for sucking. So yeah, I literally envisioned a person sucking a baby’s disgusting, congested boogers out with their mouth, through a drinking straw, like a post-apocalyptic scavenger trying to syphon gasoline from an abandoned vehicle.
Now do you understand why I refused to ever use such a method on our child? The whole “Let’s just use nose wipes.” / “You monster, why do you want your child to suffer?” argument could have been totally avoided if Kristen had originally explained that there would be no boogers in my mouth. Obviously I’m totally willing to use a rubber bulb syringe or a baby nasal aspirator (as I now know they’re called) to clean my baby’s gross face. Both apparently work well, and neither result in snot mouth. Obviously I care if my child can breathe or not. But no, I will not intentionally put boogers in my mouth. Not even my own.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always had an aversion to booger/mouth contact. I wasn’t even a self-booger-eater as a child, when it is perfectly socially acceptable to be a self-booger-eater. And I don’t plan on starting now. Glad we could settle that debate.