5 Potential Career Paths for My 1-Year-Old

5 Potential Career Paths for My 1-Year-Old

Recently my son has been following me around and imitating my stay-at-home dad duties as if he’s in some way helping me complete my chores. He’s simultaneously very adorable and completely in the way. I’ll fold the laundry; he’ll throw it back in the hamper. I’ll empty the garbage; he’ll refill the can with items that are clearly not garbage. I’ll vacuum the carpets; he’ll try to scale the vacuum like it’s a mini rock-climbing apparatus.

His inclination to exert himself at such a young age has given me an idea . . . why not put the little guy to work to bring in some extra spending cash for the family? I mean, obviously I don’t expect to send him out into the world, hat in hand, and have him come back as a certified financial planner (that can wait until he’s at least 10). I think it’s only fair that I give him some assistance in finding a suitable job. So, after a thorough investigation of his skill set, I will be counseling him to pursue one of the following career paths:

1. Home Inspector
My Son’s Qualifications:

  • Shows steadfast insistence to squeeze into tight, dangerous, and dirty spaces, even after recently donning clean clothes.
  • Possesses desire to test electrical outlets on a daily, sometimes even minute-by-minute basis.
  • Exhibits adequate strength to rip baby gates out of the walls if they are improperly secured (or even if they are properly secured – you never can go too far in the name of safety).
  • Displays willingness to give attention to even the smallest details (ex. do bathroom doors slam with the same precision as bedroom doors, do the space heaters promptly shut off when knocked over, are the electrical cords color coded by tastiness, etc.).
  • Ensures the most rigorous fireplace standards are upheld. (No wooden items within 10 feet!)

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2. Taste Tester
My Son’s Qualifications:

  • Chews food for others to guarantee softness and lack of choking like a mother bird feeding his young. (Always makes sure he sees the food literally go into your mouth, lest he be duped and his efforts go to waste.)
  • Thoughtfully considers taste of each bite on a chew-by-chew basis. Sometime takes upwards of five minutes to fully consume a single bite, always verifying consistent texture throughout.
  • Ensures safe temperatures of food by gently prodding each bite with fingers before attempting to chew. Goes so far as to stick food under his shirt in order to fully ensure appropriate temperature on all parts of body.

3. Interior Designer
My Son’s Qualifications:

  • Exhibits an Andy Warholian knack for avant-garde artistic tastes by rubbing food or poo on walls.
  • Pushes creative booger boundaries, often using snot as adhesive in his work.
  • Shows advanced freedom of expression in relation to toy placement, always abiding by the motto, “a hidden toy is the best toy.”
  • Displays confidence in self when choosing which pieces of art he will allow to remain hanging in his presence.
  • Explores boundaries of chair movement by placing kitchen chairs randomly about the house: really anywhere except under the kitchen table.
  • Allows NOTHING but books on book shelves:

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4. Quality Control Expert
My Son’s Qualifications:

  • Shows willingness to sacrifice his own toys to ensure maximum safety standards and effectiveness for other children.
  • Possesses required intellect to determine the precise weakest points of all objects, and the fortitude to destroy them, even if it is an item of extreme personal sentiment.
  • Exhibits sufficient dexterity to rip flaps from “lift-the-flap” books, pages and covers from most any book, and even the spiral notebook binding from his mother’s old yearbooks.
  • Indicates a readiness to go thirsty during all meals in order to test durability of bottles and sippy cups.
  • Displays inclination to use the broom that was just used to sweep the floors to re-sweep them until they meet his cleanliness specifications.

Side note: he does not use is own small broom for this job, but insists on using the full size one. Go big or go home I guess:

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5. Plumber
My Son’s Qualifications:

  • Places objects of all shapes and sizes into toilets in order to determine buoyancy and waterproofness.
  • Displays willingness to stick arm down the bathtub drain in attempt to unblock even the toughest clogs (or, more likely, just because he likes feeling slimy pipes).
  • Wields a mean plunger.

Of course, if none of these pan out, I can always send him out to the curb with some lemonade and tell him to come back when he’s made $100.

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