20 Questions with a Woman in Labor (and Her Turd of a Husband)

September 13, 2016 0

20 Questions with a Woman in Labor (and Her Turd of a Husband) When your best friend tells you that he and his wife are pregnant, you are happy for them and commit to being supportive. But when your best friend Eric is the perpetual butt of all your jokes (lovingly), you begin scheming how you can get into the […]

5 Potential Career Paths for My 1-Year-Old

June 7, 2016 1

5 Potential Career Paths for My 1-Year-Old Recently my son has been following me around and imitating my stay-at-home dad duties as if he’s in some way helping me complete my chores. He’s simultaneously very adorable and completely in the way. I’ll fold the laundry; he’ll throw it back in the hamper. I’ll empty the garbage; he’ll refill the can […]

Radioactive Gazelles

May 10, 2016 0

Radioactive Gazelles Recently a few different friends of mine have announced their pregnancies and emailed me to ask for my advice/opinions on various accessories and whether they should or should not purchase them for their certain-to-be malodorous babies. (I wanted to say “smelly,” but I didn’t want to offend them, so I used a word that they likely don’t know […]

10 Reasons My 10-Month-Old is Better Than Me at Life

February 16, 2016 0

[Baby Watch: Day 307] 10 Reasons My 10-Month-Old is Better Than Me at Life 1. He doesn’t judge me when I smell. I fart, he smiles. I kiss him with my morning dragon breath, he smiles. I crawl around with him on the floor in two-day-old, un-showered squalor . . . he smiles. He still loves me at my absolute […]

Post-Apocalyptic Playground Equipment, Ranked

November 27, 2015 0

[Baby Watch: Day 226] Post-Apocalyptic Playground Equipment, Ranked Thinking about a post-apocalyptic America is a depressing proposition for any person, let alone a young and impressionable child. But, being the good parent I am, and never one to sugar coat things, I’ve decided to prepare my child for all potentially disaster-filled and life-altering outcomes for his future world. To do […]

20 Things Every Stay-At Home Dad Doesn’t Want You to Know

November 16, 2015 2

[Baby Watch: Day 215] 20 Things Every Stay-at-Home Dad Doesn’t Want You to Know All I really care about is making sure the mailman can’t hear my kid crying. I’m doing my best here. But I’m still pretty sure that I’m one misstep away from a well-meaning stranger calling Child Protective Services on me. I enjoy his toys as much […]

The 4 Month Sleep Regression

August 11, 2015 2

[Baby Watch: Day 118] I have not blogged in over two weeks. This is not because I am lazy or bored with the whole blogging thing. This is because I have been clinging to the very edges of sanity as the dreaded 4 Month Sleep Regression (aka “Baby Apocalypse”) has gripped our formerly lovely child. He is no longer Oliver, […]

6 Things You Should’ve Told Me About Being a Parent

July 16, 2015 3

[Baby Watch: Day 92] I mean, we’re friends, right? Well then why didn’t any of you jerks tell us the truth about raising a baby?!? All the vaguely mild warnings you gave us were vastly overshadowed by the endless cute stories and the uplifting “it will give your life meaning” statements. When you did tell us about the problems you […]

Top 10 Comments from My Wife’s Baby Care Instructions

June 15, 2015 0

[Baby Watch: Day 61] I have the reputation within my wife’s family as being an anal-retentive over-planner.  This characterization is not undeserved. I pack three times more than I need to for vacations (on one trip my “thank-God-she’s-pretty” wife forgot to pack socks, but, pathetically yet conveniently, I had packed enough for both her and I for the entirety of the […]

My Son’s Guidebook to Eating

May 25, 2015 0

[Baby Watch: Day 40] Various people, my wife included, have characterized our son as a “good eater.”  Personally, I think they’re playing fast and loose with the word “good.”  Calling him a good eater is like calling me a good marathon runner.  Sure, given enough time, I could walk / jog / saunter / amble / meander my way to 26.2 […]

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