Go Time! – Live Blogging the Birth of Baby Oliver

April 15, 2015 22

Note: This is a running blog that is/was updated throughout my wife’s labor. Kristen was originally hesitant to let me post repeated updates during her labor, but she ended up liking the commentary and support from loved ones. Doghouse avoided.  Enjoy! April 15, 2015 8:02 am – The cat wakes us up.  We curse the cat.  Kristen finds her unmentionables […]

This is MY Human Vessel!

April 14, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 283] I am Baby Hemmings, and I do what I please. I will not exit this human vessel until I am good and ready . . . and I am NOT ready. You say I was “due” last week?  HA!  I scoff at your measly deadlines and projections.  Rules don’t apply to me.  Nobody puts Baby in a […]

Pregnancy Day 279 – DUE DATE

April 10, 2015 2

[Pregnancy Day 279] We are at T minus zero days until Kristen’s due date.  While the doctors say she isn’t technically considered “late” until after a week passed her due date, I personally think that Baby Hemmings is getting off on the wrong foot.  Already the habitually late procrastinator like his dad.  Do as I say, Baby Hemmings, not as […]

Casa de Baby Hemmings

April 7, 2015 1

[Pregnancy Day 276] I am happy to announce that Casa de Baby Hemmings is finally complete! After much blood, sweat, and (manly) tears, the nursery is complete, and Kristen asked that I post a few pictures to humblebrag about the progress. First, an overview: Since we don’t know whether Baby Hemmings is “with penis” or “sans penis” (sometimes I use medical […]

Let’s Stir Things Up!

April 2, 2015 2

[Pregnancy Day 271] We had our 39 week appointment this morning at 7 am. (There’s a 7 am now!  Who knew!) Our doctor told us that Kristen is 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced, and the baby is minus 2 station.  I guess those are all good and normal things, and they basically mean that A.) Kristen is progressing nicely and B.) The […]

NogginStiks and Butt Paste

March 30, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 268] As I’m unpacking our gifts from our baby showers I’m realizing that precious few of the various accoutrements that are considered important nowadays are actually easy to understand.  You can have all the common sense in the world, but when you look at a bottle with a tiny hole in the bottom, there is no part of […]

Labor & Delivery Class: Part 3 – The Weekend at Bernie’s Labor Position

March 6, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 244] “You spread your legs to get ‘em in; you spread your legs to get ‘em out.” That’s the kind of lovable buffoonery that our Labor & Delivery teacher communicated to us over the course of 4 classes.  Don’t get me wrong, the teacher has 30 years of experience and is one of the nicest people I’ve ever […]

The 10 Things I Learned From Our Hospital Tour

February 28, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 238] Recently, Kristen and I took a tour of the hospital where we’ll be delivering our baby. (Do you like how I’m using plural pronouns to make it seem like I have a hand in the actual labor?  “We certainly hope our labor isn’t too painful.”)  On the tour, they explained the whole procedure of when to come […]

My Hands are Full of Butt

February 22, 2015 2

[Pregnancy Day 232] Okay, lets recap.  Last night I got toothpaste in my eyebrow, and Kristen said the sentence, “My hands are full of butt.”  Just to clarify, we have yet to birth a child, and this is already a normality. The toothpaste in the eyebrow was not all that rare, as I, a 34-year-old adult man, have yet to […]

10 Steps to Getting a Flu Shot (When Your Wife is Pregnant)

February 19, 2015 0

[Pregnancy Day 229] The Steps to Getting a Flu Shot (When Your Wife is Pregnant) By: A. Simpleton Step 1 – Promise your pregnant wife you’ll get a flu shot before the baby arrives so that you can safely handle the baby with merely poopy hands, instead of poopy flu hands. Step 2 – Procrastinate for months.  Obviously. Step 3 […]

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